Diary Entry

Hi. I’m 3. Three. Whichever one you want me to be. I’ve been mentally unstable for a decent amount of time now, and I thought it’d be helpful to record my progress and a few notes and reflections I have.

Today is June 6th and I recalled a few events that have happened to me in the past that affected me tremendously. I do that every once in a while, just to feel at ease with myself and my emotions. Just to remind myself that I’m still a part of the past me. There are still pieces of them lingering within my now blurry identity.

I’ve gotten a lot better. Having friends helped a lot, whether I’d like to admit it or not, but I know I will, because I’m trying to be honest. Two people specifically have gotten me through most of this year, though I think they’d both deny it. Having people sincerely care about me as I care about them has been a (very weird but) really nice experience. Nice is definitely an understatement. It feels great to be cared for. Though I don’t think I deserve it still.

Sometimes I have mild mood swings or emotional breakdowns from nothing, and sometimes they’re from something which I would deem a nothing. They aren’t very pleasant. The breakdowns I mean. They feel uncomfortable and intruding, sometimes horribly scary. I worry about a lot of things and they all line up whenever I cry or feel a slight negative emotion. They line up and then erupt without a notice. And I cry more. I worry it’s for attention. It’s not. Sometimes it is. I can’t tell. I’m overly indecisive.

Even when it comes to questions about my own emotions and personality, my automatic response is “I don’t know.” — I know who I present myself to be just for the sake of easing social interactions, I know I shift between identities and can barely hold stable beliefs, opinions or thoughts. I know I’m expected to do so. I usually lie. But it’s not really a lie. I believe it. I think it’s true. But it may not be true. I’m never 100% sure. But how do you explain this to a person who’s simply asked you for an opinion on a trivial matter? How do you say your sense of identity is so lost in a long thread of multiple identities that your own face seems so strange to stare at sometimes? Not even when I look in the mirror too long, no. I feel a sense of unfamiliarity with the face I see for a split second as I run quickly by a reflection of myself. Is it really myself? Why would I use that word?

I don’t have time for derealization episodes. I simply do not have time for depression or any passive illness I might possess. I do not have time for exhaustion. I am anxious. I am on edge. I am manic. I experience hysteria.

My condition isn’t that bad. I’m fine. I’m being dramatic. Or maybe not. Who knows? I don’t. Maybe God does. Just don’t trust what I tell you about myself. Because I don’t know. I wish I could be two opposing things at once, an unsteady mess who’s seen as normal.

I’m writing this while feeling empty. Just fine. Not feeling anything. Is that also normal? Questioning the validity of [my] emotions without really knowing what ‘validity’ would require. I’m just a dumb, self depreciating teenager I think.